I've Been Living To See You
by weird-but-wonderful
Summary: Amita is falling.


**Thanks:** To Michelle for beta reading.  
**Credits:** The title is taken from the musical "Jesus Christ Superstar".  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own "Numb3rs".

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**I've Been Living To See You**

**Falling**

I'm walking along the beach, then my world turns dark. Now I'm noticing concrete beneath my back but I don't remember anything. No, that's not true because I actually remember my name, my birthday and so on, but I don't remember what happened a few moments ago. Now I slowly get back to the real world with a nasty headache. My sight isn't clear yet when I open my eyes and I'm still dizzy, but look into a pair of dazzling, brown eyes. "Everything okay?" The pair of eyes asks me concerned. I'm nodding, although I'm not sure about it, but I feel all parts of my body. Beside of the headache everything seems to be fine.

"Are you able to stand up, Amita?" Again the pair of eyes. I start to wonder how these eyes know my name but I answer the question honestly. "I think so." Who is this guy? "Do I know you?" The glance I catch is getting more concerned, I think. "You're my wife, so I guess you should know me. Your name is Amita Eppes, the beloved wife of me, Charlie Eppes." While I stand up I listen to this news. When did I get married? "You must mix something up. I'm Amita Ramanujan. I don't know you, I'm not familiar with you or your name, so I don't think we are anything at all." Confusing thoughts are spinning through my mind, I need an answer, a reaction - something.

He glances at me before a word leaves his mouth. "Take a look at your passport in your wallet which you usually put under your calendar at the bottom of your bag." Well, he knows one of my habits I have to admit, so I do as he has told me and dug deep into my bag to find it. First I give it a quick glance, then I take a closer look. He's right, I am Amita Eppes and can't remember my own wedding or him, at least I should recognise him. "I'll take you to a doctor. That's unusual." I just look into his eyes which nearly makes me dizzy again and nod. Then he walks me to his car, a blue one which I don't remember either. Although I don't know him, I feel secure at his side. That's weird. But nevertheless I follow him. On our way I notice more than one concerned glance. He seems to be unsure what he should do, support me or not what I can totally understand.

We arrive at the ER. After Charlie had seated me on a chair near the door, he immediately starts looking for help. Moments later he returns with a nurse whom I'm telling everything. After I've finished she leads us into a nursery and walks away afterwards to look for a doctor. We wait for over an hour; nothing happens, only Charlie's patience is gone and he's pacing from one side of the room to the other. I don't know what to say to calm him, but that's not necessary because in that moment a doctor opens the door and introduces himself to me and Charlie as Blake Howard.

He sits down in front of me and takes a look at my chart before he asks what had happened. Charlie and I are telling everything we remember. When we are finished, he takes a little flash light out of his pocket and explains me the test which he will do. Then he switches the light on and points with the light into each eye for a few seconds, then he checks my reflexes and my pulse. Afterwards he's writing something down on the chart. Now he's looking directly into my eyes. "Mrs Eppes, everything seems to be fine. So I can't tell you right now, what's the reason for your fall or your amnesia, although I guess the amnesia results of the falling. Usually the amnesia leaves within a few days. Although you seem to be fine, I will reassure my conclusion with a CT but there's no capacity free within the next few days, so I only can only offer you an appointment next week when I will do a blood test, too."

Now Charlie steps in. "Do you really think, it's okay to wait?" The doctor turns to him. "Your wife seems to be in a good condition, her eye movement is normal as well as her reflexes." Now he stops and looks at me again. "If anything changes - disorientation, sickness, confusedness, dizzyness or trouble with your eyesight - you've to come back immediately. Beside of that you should go on slowly, get some rest, don't rush. Everything needs time, even your recovery." He has made his point and gets up. It's obvious that this examination is coming to its end. "I'll see you next week. Take care of you." He shakes my hand and Charlie's afterwards, then he walks out of the room.

Together with Charlie I'm leaving the ER. Just outside the door he stops and turns to me. "What are we going to do, Amita?" I already know what's coming because I've gave it some thoughts too. Beside of that he seems to me like a guy who's thinking ahead. "We are married but you don't remember me and our life, so..." "There's no 'so' in that. You're right, I don't remember you but maybe my usual living helps me to remember. I will stay in your... sorry, our home." After I've said it he smiles at me, an incredible smile which fits perfectly to him. It's obvious what I like about his looks. There's his smile, his brown, dazzling eyes with a friendly sparkle, his curly hair which falls into his face every now and then. Beside of that he's well trained and wears classy but sporty clothes. Handsome describes him perfectly. But as far as I've noticed yet there's so much more to him he's loving or more to say caring and passionate when he wants something. We walk back to the parking lot where he's parked the car and get into it.

It doesn't take us long to get to the house. Our home is nice, made of wood and bricks, maybe old fashioned but cosy, placed in a lovely neighbourhood. So nice that I nearly feel home when we enter. The entrance hall is small and opens directly into the living room, where Charlie is leading me. "Take a seat. I'll prepare some coffee. Tea for you, herbal of course?" Charlie asks. His knowing of my habits is just another proof that at least we've met before. "I would love that." I nod to confirm my words. "Do me a favour while I'm in the kitchen. Get some rest like the doctor said." Again I nod.

Then he's leaving me alone and I take a look around. On the mantelpiece are many pictures displayed, most of them are showing the two of us together. There are others, too, family portraits, graduation and a few baby pictures. One is showing me at the age of two. But only one picture keeps my attention, because it's from our wedding. Navy blue tux next to a simple white dress. We are both smiling happy, but I can't remember anything although I want to. Because I can't stand the look in his eyes which I've seen far to often today. Sad, concerned, maybe confused or whatever it is.

"You haven't sit down, Hon." Charlie says when he returns. "I was looking at those pictures which I don't recognise." Against my will I sound sad. "Don't push. Everything will return, sooner or later." He makes the few steps towards me and hands me a mug, before he places an arm on my shoulder to show me his support. Then he sits down on a chair. I accompany him, take a seat on the couch and look at him. "Would you tell me something about us, maybe about our wedding?" "Sure." While he becomes silent and probably thinks about what to tell, I take a sip of my tea which tastes really good. Suddenly he starts to talk and tells me how we met, how long it took us to get together and about our wedding. Although it's really interesting I fall asleep right in the middle of it.

**Remembering**

When I wake up I'm lying on the coach snuggled up in a blanket while Charlie is watching me from the rocking chair opposite of the couch. "Slept well?" I nod. "How late is it?" "Shortly past midnight. I prepared the bedroom for you, I'll take the guestroom." He tells me. "Don't be ridiculous. I can stay here." "Maybe you can, but you won't. You are going to change now", he commands smiling, "I put one of your pyjamas into the bathroom, then you should sleep." I know he's meaning well, he's just concerned, so I give in. "You're right, I should."

I'm getting up from the couch and walk directly upstairs, where I enter the second room on the left side while he's following me. When I turn around to close the door I'm looking into his smiling face and realise it. Without knowing I've taken the right door. "You remember, Amita." He walks towards me and it seems like he's going to hug me but he stops in the middle of his movement, takes the doorknob and closes it.

I do what I do every night, I clean myself up and brush my teeth with the red tooth brush, again something I simply know. Then I change into my pyjamas and leave the bathroom. Charlie is waiting for me and shows me my bedroom. "Sleep well, Amita." He says. "You too." I reply. Then he turns around and walks into the room next to mine. I close the door but not completely, an opening returns. I've got no idea why I'm doing this but I have to do. I lay down on the left side of the bed and turn of the light off, which Charlie must have switched on before. After a few moments I fall asleep again.

When I wake up the next morning, I'm not really awake because I haven't had a relaxing night sleep at all. I have woken up more than ones after nightmares. I don't want to remember them. Although I still want to remember but I think of Charlie's words that I shall not push and I won't do that. Slowly I get up, go into the bathroom and make myself ready for a new day without memories. Then I return into the bedroom, open the door of the closet and get dressed.

I leave the room and call Charlie who is answering from downstairs. To where I'm going now. He's in the kitchen, at least I guess I hear something there. When I pass the door, he's pouring water into a teapot,probably for me. "Hey." He turns around. "Good morning. How are you?" "Better. The headache is nearly gone." I answer honestly. "What would I usually do and what are you going to do today?" Before he's answering, he's pouring some tea into a mug and hands it to me. Then he's pouring some coffee into another mug for himself.

"We've both no lectures today, it's usually our day off. On this day we're doing lots of different things, shopping, chores and so on, but sometimes we're just having fun. We've planned to paint the fence today and we have to go shopping too. Beside of that there's nothing I have to do, even the fence can wait." He explains. "I would love to help you painting the fence and go shopping. I don't want to do anything special, the daily routine will maybe help." I'm smiling because I really want to do something, then I don't have too much time to think. "You will probably have some breakfast first?" He asks. "No, actually I'm not hungry." "We should get started then."

He grabs my hand immediately and I follow him. When we pass the door to the dining room, he seems to remember, turns around and let my hand go. "I'm sorry." He stammers. "Don't be. It's okay. I'm your wife." Now he just walks ahead instead of keeping my hand. We walk through the house and into the backyard. A few steps ahead of us is a hut which Charlie enters. He returns with a open bucket half full with paint in his right hand and a empty bucket as well as two brushes in left hand. "It's that part over there." His index finger is pointing towards a part of the wooden fence which colour is lighter than the rest of it. "You start on the left side, I on the right. We'll meet somewhere in the middle." I nod to confirm. Then he starts to fill some paint into the empty bucket which he hands me afterwards together with a brush.

I take the things and walk away from him. I get down on my knees and start to paint the first board of the fence, then the second one and so on. Meanwhile my mind is wandering off. Images of my childhood are appearing and then there's a garden party which I don't remember, but I remember the guests. But that image is gone as fast as it has come. I don't want to bother Charlie with it and keep on painting. After two hours we meet, it's not the middle, it's more on my side. But that's okay, because I've been distracted in between. While Charlie is cleaning up, I want to prepare some lunch but he is right. We have to go shopping today, there's nothing left in the fridge.

So I don't have anything to do and go into the living room to take a look at the pictures again. There he was, a guy from the family portrait and the other from a picture taken at the campus. When Charlie is done and comes back into the house, heaccompanies me. "Who are these guys?" I ask him and point at the pictures. "That's Don, my older brother and Larry, a friend and a colleague of us at the CalSci. Why are you suddenly interested?" What shall I tell him, I ask myself. "Earlier I've had a picture from a garden party in my mind, where both have been guests." His smile appears. "That has probably been my 35th birthday last year, the day I asked you to marry me. You remembered another thing, that's great." I smile like he does.

Then I change the subject. "You're right, there's nothing in the fridge. We need to do some shopping. Maybe we can eat somewhere in the city, because I can't make a meal with a slice of bread and some peanut butter." "Sure. I'm nearly starving, so we'll go first eat something and then go shopping. You like 'Allesandro's', a Spanish restaurant." For a moment I think about it. "I don't know, but if I usually like it, I guess I'll like it now too." To underline my words I walk directly to the entrance door, while Charlie is following me. I wait at the car until he opens it and sit down in the passenger seat again. We drive down to the street and head off.

It's nearly evening when we return. I'm exhausted and happy that we've been eating out, so I don't have to cook. While we bring the groceries into the house, the telephone rings which Charlie's answering. After a brief talk he calls me and tells me that the hospital wants to make an appointment. "Hello." I listen carefully what the nurse says. "No, tomorrow 10 o'clock is okay. I'll be there." Another few words. "Yes. Bye." Then I turn to Charlie. "And now?" He's looking at me. "How about some relaxing? Drinks in the garden, watching the sunset." I'm smiling happy without a reason and nod.

Together we walk to the kitchen, get our drinks ready, bear for him, red wine for me and leave the house. We sit down on the veranda and watch the sunset. While we sit there I think about nothing and again pictures are coming and going, lots of new memories. But the difference is that I can name them. There's the party to my promotion which Charlie has thrown for me. Some cases I've worked on for the FBI together with him. My students and colleagues of the CalSci. Our wedding. Suddenly I can name his habbits, good and bad ones, I even remember Larry and his metaphors. Different things but everything real. I jump up and turn around to face the man I love.

"Everything is back, Charlie. I remember everything." He looks at me for a moment then he gets up too. "I'm glad." He replies and hugs me close before he kisses me vigorous. Now I want to fall again and be catched by him, but that won't happen. He's holding me too tight to fall at all. So I give in and just return the kiss. Nobody knows what's going on inside me. This moment is like seeing, kissing and feeling him for the first time, although I remember all the other times. It feels different, maybe I'm different. The sky is more blue, my feelings are stronger, my life is greater. After some minutes we sit down again, but now I'm sitting on his lap. We're cuddled up. So we sit together the whole evening. We barely talk, but we watch the sunset and the moonrise, listen to the crickets.

It's late when we get up and walk inside, directly upstairs. I go to the bathroom together with him. Afterwards we enter the bedroom, our bedroom. I lay down at my side of the bed, while he lies down at his side, which is at my side. Although I don't want to, I fall asleep immediately.

**Fading**

I wake up and I still lay beside my husband who I love more than ever. The return of my memory makes me happy. I want to do lots of things today, the examination isn't one of it. Charlie is coming with me, so it won't be totally wasted time. Before I get up, I place my hand on his breast while he's still asleep. My hand is moving up and down with every breath he takes, while his heart is beating beneath my fingers. Now I feel alive. Actually I've planned to go down stairs to prepare breakfast, but instead I move slowly closer towards Charlie. I huddle against him and rest my head on his chest, while my hand stays where it is.

He's waking up, at least I think so because his breath becomes uneven and he starts to move his body slightly. Only moments later he places his hand softly on my head and strokes over it. "Good morning." After I've moved my head, I can look into his eyes. "Slept well?" He asks. "Did I have another option?" While I'm answering, a smile appears on my face. "How much time is left until we've to go?" I ask him. Because of that question he's turning to his alarm clock. "Two hours, then we'll still be in time." "That's enough." I reply and turn around to face him completely before I start kissing him.

Two hours are gone, I'm dressed and wait outside the house which Charlie is leaving now too. We're both smiling. While we walk the few steps to the car, he's taking my hand. It's not far to the hospital, so we arrive only minutes later there. I walk directly to a nurse behind the desk who is doing paper work. After I've got her attention, I introduce myself. "I'm Amita Eppes, I've got an appointment with Dr. Howard." She types some words into her computer. "He's with another patient at the moment, but will be here soon, Mrs Eppes. Please take a seat in there, I'll come back to you, when he's ready." While she speaks, she points to a door a few steps away.

We're entering an empty room and sit down opposite of the door. Silence is filling the room for quite some time. During this time my happiness fades and makes space for worries. I don't know why I'm worried, but Charlie seems to notice it because he's laying his hand on my leg and looking at me supportive. "Everything will be okay." I just nod. Again we're sitting silent together.

After 15 minutes the nurse enters. "Dr. Howard is ready. Please follow me, Mrs Eppes." I'm getting up and Charlie's following me. When we pass the door and walk side by side he takes my hand and squeezes it slightly to comfort and to support me. We're walking down the hall, maybe 20 meters until we come to a door which leads into a restricted area. The nurse stops and turns to Charlie. "You can't go further, Mr Eppes." I want to give him a quick kiss but instead he make a step towards me and lays his hands around my back. I press my head close to his chest and feel him and his heart beat again. Then I let go and follow the nurse.

"Please sit down. I need a blood sample from you." She explains while she gets the necessary things from a nearby desk. Then shedisinfects the skin of my ellbow , before she puts the needle into it. Afterwards she puts a small bandage on it. "Now I'll bring you to the CT, where DR. Blake is waiting for you." I listen to every word, but I don't say anything. The weird feeling has returned, although I don't want it. Only a few steps away from the other room is the CT.

"Hello Mrs Eppes. How are you today" The doctor asks me, after I've entered the room. "Since yesterday my memories are back, so I'm actually feeling fine." I hide my true feelings. "That is great news. I didn't expect it to return so soon. But we've to do the CT anyway. So follow me." He leads me into the next room. "Please lay down here. The scan will take about 15 minutes. It'll be very noisy, that's normal. Just relax and don't move." I do as he tells me and lay down. "You're going to slide into the machine now." He explains while he pushes a button. After a few seconds I'm completely disappeared. "I'll be in the neighbour room. Call me if something is wrong."

The door closes and I'm all alone. Then the roaring of the CT starts. My body isn't moving an inch, but my thoughts are wandering off. Now that I remember, I intend to think about them. My first class with Prof. Charles Eppes, our first real date, which was a total disaster, the wedding and so on. After some time and many memories the roaring stops, the door opens and I get moved out of the machine. I slowly get up. Dr. Blake has returned and stays in front of me with my scans and my chart in his hand. "Please follow me."

We're walking to a common examination room where he puts the pictures on a lamp at the wall. "Sit down, please." He points towards a chair. Then he takes a pencil out of his pocket and starts to show me some marked areas in my cranium, while he explains them to me. I listen carefully and understand the words, although I don't want to.

Now I leave the examination room slowly. I don't know how long I've been away, I just know the big NO which I want to scream out loud. But I don't do that, instead I walk outside and down the hall to Charlie. He's waiting for me, where I've left him. I see him, then I'm falling apart. He is quickly at my side. When I look up, I see dazzling brown eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asks me. Before I answer I look into his eyes and I know he'll be there. "I want to go home. And I want you to be with me." Another glance towards him. "Of course. I already asked a colleague to take my classes. You know I'll be there." Yes, I know that, but I don't tell him Instead I just make another step towards him and lay my rotten head on his chest. His heart is still beating. He probably knows, but I can't tell him. "Let's go." I answer instead.

We are home again. He's made some coffee and tea. I sit on the couch, he sits in the rocking chair. It's the same picture like the day before yesterday, but I want to change it. So I get up, walk towards Charlie and sit down on his lap. My heavy head is resting on his shoulder. He's putting an arm around my back to comfort me. "What's wrong?" He asks. Before I answer his question, I look deep into his eyes. "I'm fading." He places a kiss on my forehead and doesn't say another word.

**Dying**


End file.
